No news is good news?

I know I haven't posted here in a while. I have been so stressed out & frazzled between work, preparing for the move, and other things, that my computer time has been cut down significantly. I am really looking forward to life not being so stressful. That's bound to happen someday... right? Right?

The last thing of note that occured for us lifestyle-wise, was last Sunday we attended a meeting for offline Goreans down in Chicago. It was very low key, at a Chinese restaurant, with discussions about oh, let's see... computers, movies, work, the weather, etc, with a small smattering of lifestyle discussion. It was nice to meet some other Goreans offline & prove that yes, there are others, and they aren't all mean. They were nice, normal people, and Master & I both had a good time.

Welcome home, Master

Yesterday's "new thing" was that I greeted Master when he got home from work in nadu with my house collar ready to be put on. He seemed to really enjoy it. :) I already have a few ideas for variations on this theme to keep life interesting.. lol.

Short entry this morning, because I realized I hadn't posted for a couple days. I am really looking forward to the weekend, this week has been insane!

Formal Dinner Serve

Well, I'd have to say the formal serve was a success. It started off with a bit of the sillies from both Master & I (as those who know us can attest... we aren't the most serious of people at many times - makes life more fun :) ). I am conjecturing that he was pleased by my efforts from the fact that he chose to put dinner aside and have dessert first. ;) Now we are eating the food at our desks as he catches up on some computerish stuff and all I gotta say is: life is gooooood!

25 New Things

Last week, a Gorean Master I trade emails with gave me homework (pending my Master's approval - which was given - lol). The assignment was starting the day I received the email, to try one "new thing" every other day in my interactions with Master that I deem to be appropriately slavelike. The point being to encourage me to get off my butt and be a bit more proactive. This also allows me to see how Master reacts to me behaving in different ways. So far it is going pretty well, insofar as I have done it both days that have come up so far. My first day was 2/15, and my first new thing was that I apologized as soon as I got back from the store, for my incredibly non-slavelike attitude I took on prior to going to the store. My second day, 2/17, I came up with a way to help me work on calling Master "Master" more frequently, and made a point that every time I said "I love you" I changed it to "I love you, Master". I did use it in other cases too, but that was one hard and fast way to remind myself to say it. Today is the third day. I haven't decided what new thing to implement yet. I think it might be to try serving dinner in the formal Gorean fashion. Good practice for April's gathering!

Surprising difficulties

Due to the bad weather keeping us in, and illness loosening its grip, Master and I had some very interesting time together. Parts of it were very difficult for me, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable writing about it here, at least not today. My brain is still absorbing it. It was kinda funny. Yesterday's discussion group meeting with Dagda & kitten of South Central BDSM Friends Group in a few ways forced me to on the spot define my views on things I haven't really had to explain to other people before. It also made me face that if I'm going to talk the talk, I've got a lot of work to do on walking the walk. But at the same time, it made me feel a lot less scared about the "walking the walk" part.

Pretty sleepy now since we had a really early morning due to the insane rain drenching our living room... I'm sure I'll post more on this in the future.

Sick slave turns into bad slave

Well, when I woke up this morning, I had the unpleasant realization that I have caught whever this illness is that Master has been fighting off. I have spent the day in a variety of moods. I'm incredibly disappointed that we both had to get so sick for Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day never really mattered to me that much, but I never got to celebrate it properly before my relationship with Master. First our "date" plans shifted from Thursday to Friday because of the snow & illness. Now I guess they are just on hold indefinitely since he is still sleeping.

Be that as it may, I have tried to suck it up and be grateful that I was smart enough to call in to work so that I could rest too. And we did get a little enjoyment during his brief awake time, we got to have lunch together and watch the second part of the movie we had started last night.

When I blew it, was when it was time to grocery shop. Due to the busy weekend we have planned, and the fact we were out of.. most food, grocery shopping had to happen today. I got ready to go and asked him if he wanted to come along for the fresh air. He declined on the grounds that he needed more sleep. Did I react as a good slave and head to the store? No, instead I had to huff and puff and make some smart alec cracks and head off to the store, feeling very much the martyr, because I am sick too, but I am "rising above" to take care of business, why isn't he? etc... etc... etc....

I spent most of the time at the store feeling miserable. Not only physically, from the illness, but with the knowledge that I had been incredibly rude, selfish, un-compassionate and disrespectful. For someone who claims she is a slave, that was totally unacceptable. So.. the something new... Instead of coming home from the store still in a snit about how life isn't fair, I got home, unloaded the groceries, went and knelt next to where he was sleeping and apologized for how I had spoken. Then left him alone to sleep and found quiet things to do. Thankfully my apology was accepted, but I still feel pretty crappy for having done that.

Now I sit here at the computer, catching up a few things, and trying to think of what else to do tonight. I'm not very good at being sick. So far today I have done laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, and general tidying up. I don't know why I can't let myself just relax. I am envious of Master's ability to sleep during the daytime. I laid down for a good while but just couldn't fall asleep. I hope to go to bed early and fall asleep and actually sleep the whole night through. I think I will take some NyQuill. That stuff knocks me flat. Hopefully if I take it early enough, I'll be able to function tomorrow morning.

Rambly post from sick slave is over..... now. :)

To serve by doing...

.... nothing at all.

That is my Valentine's Day. Master is really sick and sleeping, so I am doing what quiet housework I can without waking him up, and reading, and wishing I were more tired so I could curl up with him and sleep.

We actually exchanged Valentine's Day gifts last night. He put together an incredibly thoughtful gift for me and didn't want to wait one more day to give it to me. Master's prerogative - he didn't have to wait. ;) He bought an absolutely beautiful basket (I am a total basketaholic) and filled it up with some treats: Apples, "smooshed fruit", some organic apple/raspberry juice, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, a wonderful smelling lavendar candle. Every single item in the basket - the basket included! - shows how well he knows what I like and how thoughtful he is. It is truly one of the nicest gifts I have gotten in a very long time. I was so grateful by how very generous & thoughtful it was. He said he wanted to give me treats, but make sure they were (mostly) healthy.

I also gave him the gift & card I got for him last night. He seemed to really like it. :) I got him a really simple gift because we *had* agreed to go with simple and inexpensive - heh. I got him a heart shaped container filled with miniature peanut butter cups (my Master is a peanut butter aholic) and a romantic/cute card that had some kitties on it. And it had a magnet inside that now is gracing the fridge. :)

We curled up and watched a movie together last night... after seeing tonight's weather report, we had decided to wait and do our Valentine's "date" on Friday evening (probably go out to dinner or rent a movie or something). Which turns out well because the "Not feeling quite so well" that Master had been struggling with for several days came out in full force today. Fortunately his boss was amenable to letting him out early, and he has been getting sleep for a good many hours now. I hope that he feels better. We had a very full weekend planned and he is concerned about not being up for some of it.

Ah well... rambly enough post. I guess this one doesn't have any real deep insights or anything, just a slave trying to keep herself busy so that she doesn't do anything that inadvertently wakes up a sick and tired Master.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of my readers!

Naked

Hello all! This is a topic that may seem kinda weird, but it has been bouncing around in my head today. I have been trying to figure out why I have such problems being naked. (I am talking physically without clothes, not emotional/mental nakedness - that is a whole other can of post, lol) It takes me a long time to feel truly comfortable being naked around a lover/Dominant/Master/etc. I'm really not sure why. I mean, by the time we are all adults, especially adults my age (mid 20's) and Master's age (mid 30's) we have all seen plenty of naked men and naked women be it from text books, movies, pictures, or romantic encounters. In other words - it's not like no one has ever seen a naked woman before - so why I am so uptight when it is me?

Is it because I'm overweight? This is usually why I feel embarrassed, at least this is the loudest voice in my head emotionally on the issue. Then when my logic kicks in and remind me... ya know... fully clothed head to toe in a shapepless parka and jeans, someone looking at you can still see that you are overweight. it isn't like wearing clothes hides the weight. In fact in many cases - it emphasizes it! So, I don't think it is because of that. Someone seeing me in a bathing suit, or tight dress, can tell my body shape just as well as if I'm naked. So, clothes don't hide the truth there.

Is it because of my ugly scar that hovers just below my left collar bone? Nope - you can see that scar if I wear a tank top, low cut shirt, or bathing suit. And to be fair, beyond the first few months I had it, I have never really cared about my scar. I don't even think about it most of the time, and when I do, it's more of a - Aah - battle scars from my personal battle against the enemy (cancer).

So really, the only reason I can think of for why I freak out so much about being naked is simply because it has been impressed upon me my entire life that it is "bad" to be seen naked, especially certain parts. A good girl always makes sure she is covered up and "presentable". Then from middle school on in turned into - omigod, I look horrible, I am so fat, etc. Though by now I'm pretty used to my body shape. Not that I don't strive to improve, but I recognize I am still pretty even though I am overweight - and in this country, I am far from in the minority being overweight. Many are far larger than I.

Anyway... that's all for today's ramble. Anyone who has thoughts, I'd love to read them. :)

"Trappings"

This link is to an article I read in the archives of the online e-zine "The Gorean Voice" yesterday. I thought it was pretty interesting. Enjoy!

http://www.pantheus.com/TGV/archive32001/TGV/slave.shtml

Quiet...

This blog has me constantly struggling with what is appropriate or inappropriate to post. I'm pretty sure that none of the thoughts in my head right now are appropriate blog material yet I want to keep this blog going with fairly frequent updates. How does a blogger draw the line? I've read some pretty personal blogs out there. And some that are merely filled with humorous anecdotes. I'd like my blog to be a true window into at least this part of my life, so that maybe some one will stumble upon it and find something that can help. We'll see how it turns out.

What I want?

I have been thinking about my progress as a slave a lot lately. I feel that it is perhaps misplaced for me to try and judge myself, since I do agree the only true judge of how "good" of a slave I have become is my Master, as it is he who sets the parameters for what is a "good" slave for him. However, I am the one who hears the thoughts ringing on my head, and I thought this would be a good blog post, in case any of you readers can offer insight.

I worry a LOT about what I want, and what I think I need. I am very torn on this. I know that we are bred & raised with strong self preservation instincts. And let's face it, who doesn't want to try and obtain their "wants"? However I read over and over in my research, that a good slave does not concern herself with her wants. She concerns herself with her Master's wants. The tacit understanding is that if she chooses wisely when giving herself to an Owner, that the Owner will maintain his property by looking out for her needs, and those wants of hers that he feels moved to fulfill. One part of my brain screams out that Owned or not, I am human. I have a "right" to have my wants fulfilled. Of course I want to see to my own needs and desires! Everyone has a right to be happy! etc... etc... And to a degree I do agree with that as well. I don't think anyone would expect me to stay in a relationship where I wasn't happy out of some misplaced sense of "slave honor".

However I worry that I am too selfish and too focused on what I want. I know that Master orders a lot of his life around me and my wants in regards to his time/schedule, etc. And while I of course appreciate that, I think it is supposed to be the other way around it. Do I want it to change? No, not necessarily. But I don't know if I should be calling myself a slave if I am so focused on me. I know that slave = owned submissive, so I fit the criteria, but still... meh.

Master just got home, so off I go for dinner.

shopping, part 2!

As mentioned in my prior post, on Saturday we went shopping again. We were quite successful! We got two books, a wonderful elk leather flogger, and Master bought a simple leather collar for me to sleep in. With the returned ritual of sleeping in a collar, we had rediscovered how painful that got on my neck after a few nights. I love the new collar. I love being able to wear one to sleep. It's an extra snuggle!

We have had a wonderful weekend and I wish we had a few more days to go!

Shopping...

So, last night Master & I went to First Friday, a local Madison BDSM social event, with a couple of our friends. We had a pretty good time there, and when we left, we decided to stop off at a couple places in search of some new stuff. We ended up purchasing a lovely set of black leather cuffs with a fuzzy "faux fur" purple inner lining. And I got something pretty to wear around the house when its just the two of us. There was one thing we were looking for that we were unable to find, so if time permits we'll be dropping by a different shop in Madison today to see what we can find.