Married slave :)

As usual I see a month has passed between posts. Maybe someday life will allow me more internet time but for now a post per month will have to suffice. That way I have more interesting stuff (hopefully) to report, right? Heh...

November 1st Master & I were married. It was a wonderful day filled with love and laughter, surrounded by family & friends. We went away to the beach for a week and had a great time ignoring the outside world and just relaxing together. We've been back about a month now and settling into the newlywed grind of daily life. I got most of the wedding gifts put away and a good chunk of the thank you cards done, though I still have to finish that. We got almost all of our holiday gifts purchased and wrapped, so we're a bit ahead of the game on that. Life is good!

On the D/s front we are looking forward to the next meeting of the SCBDSMF group 12/20 and I am especially looking forward to the Frosty Dinner we are planning for January (for info peek at the other blog I am on: http://southcentralwibdsmfriends.blogspot.com/)

I am especially looking forward to two things: having an environment where it is accepted and expected for me to serve Master as his slave, and having the chance to see how other Master/slave couples handle service protocol at a formal dinner setting. I love learning about how other Masters run their households and how other slaves handle their service. Seeing how much diversity is out there is just so interesting to me. And its nice to see how no matter how diverse the protocol it all boils back down to the same basic concept of the slave doing her best to please her Master.

Anyway this blog post is courtesy of the snow day I got from work today. We got a bunch of snow and freezing rain, my boss actually called me and told me not even to try driving in because she saw on the news that the main highway I use was declared "impassable". I like this whole working in my PJ's and collar, hee hee.

Time flies...

I hadn't realized it has been over a month since I posted! The last few weeks have flown by at lightning speed as Master and I approach our wedding day. I don't have anything too specific to post about tonight. We had another meeting of the South-Central WI BDSM Friends group this last weekend which went very well. Dagda gave a presentation on the Old Guard and we had a bit of open discussion time in the group. Also, we are planning a formal dinner party for sometime in the winter. More info will be up on the google group soon.

If anyone's surfing my blog who happens to be in the Madison, WI area check out our page -

http://groups.google.com/group/southcentralwibdsmfriends

Spirituality and the slave

I've been thinking a lot lately about a connection between spirituality and slavery. Not the spirituality that can be found in slavery (whole other can o' worms), but more along the lines of noticing how many people I come across who are in a Master/slave relationship are also deeply spiritual people.

At first I thought maybe it was maybe a case of, being nonconformist in multiple areas is easy once you are nonconformist in one. I'll use me as an example. I was involved in research and intermittent participation in Gorean and D/s relationships long before I became a pagan. Did I become a pagan (a nonconformist religion insofar as it is not the "norm" in our society) because first becoming Gorean (nonconformist way of living, and nonconformist way to relate with others) was the first step down the path of nonconformity? No, I don't think so.

What I have come to believe is that it is a more a case of - once you begin to live your life more naturally in one area it becomes easier to live more naturally in another area. I see a big correlation within myself between being Pagan and being a slave. As a Pagan, my spiritual life focuses a great deal on the natural world - the Earth and what fills it - the changing of the seasons, the phases of the moon, the divine that is inherent in all things on this great blue marble we call home. I have noticed in the last couple years as I deepened my study into Paganism that I have grown more appreciative of the world around me, and have noticed especially this year, my body falling into more of a rhythm with the natural world.

When I first stumbled into a Gorean chat room back many years ago by pure mistake, it was truly an act of serendipity. Clicking into the "wrong" chat room that day changed my outlook on many things. First and foremost, it lead me to read and research - Gor, BDSM, etc - and realize that I was not alone, I was not a "freak" for my desires. In the last couple years as I have finally been able to put research more into practice it has been an interesting ride. As the slave of a Gorean, I am now living life more naturally - in a way more natural to me - than I was before.

One other correlation I noticed between my particular brand of spirituality and my relationship with my Master are that both celebrate the duality of nature. My religion worships God and Goddess. My slavery recognizes Master and slave. Goreans in general recognize and celebrate the differences between Male and Female. One thing that many seem to misunderstand about Goreans is that we don't think women are "lesser" or "inferior" to men in any way, shape or form. We just think that men and women are different. Neither is better than the other, its comparing apples to oranges. Men are dominant in the Gorean culture, yes - Dominant to the slaves definitely, also Dominant to the Free Women - but that does not mean the women aren't as human, or as smart, or as creative, etc.

OK, I'm going a bit far afield. But I am still wrapping my mind around this new train of thought I have had and I am loving the similarities I am seeing. I have to wrap this post up for now but I will revisit this topic at a later date if I have any new thoughts on the matter.

Greetings - and other rituals

Yesterday was a good day!

Master & I have been having very interesting discussions lately about our Master/slave relationship. One thing that we realized was that we may have been harming our dynamic despite the best of intentions, by trying too hard to seperate our "real life" from the online roleplay world. As some know, Master & I met via an online Gorean roleplay we both took part in. Now mind you we both knew it was roleplay and kept it seperate from our real lives. We played characters there, and while our characters did get along pretty well, we didn't start "dating" or anything until after we had spent time together as ourselves, face to face. Thus said, I know that I have been making a strong effort in my slavery to "be kimaya, and not [character's name]". I've been wondering about that a bit so I broached it to Master. He not only understood what I meant but thinks he has been doing the same: stifling progress he would like to see, with the goal of not filling our dynamic with roleplay.

Out of curiousity, I took a few minutes to brainstorm what things I recall from my time in online Gor, that don't currently occur much (if at all) in my offline Gorean relationship. Aside from the obvious things like... there are no tarns, paga, blackwine... etc, here are some of the things I came up with:

-kneel when Free enter
-third person speech
-Master/Mistress to all Free
-dress/groom sensuously (i.e. "silks", bells, etc)
-formal service of food and drink
-karta before entering rooms

That's not a complete list, but just a few items that jumped out at me. I am going to address each one briefly and share some of my thoughts:

-kneel when Free enter
In the roleplay venue I used to participate in, the rule of thumb was that if a Free entered the room you were in and you weren't already kneeling - you kneel (nadu or tower depending on your owner's preference) and greet them.
This is definitely something that can be feasible offline at least in certain settings - for example the apartment we live in. I tried it out last night by waiting for Master in nadu and suffice to say it went over veeeeery well!

-third person speech
Again, in the roleplay venue I hale from, slaves were required to speak (type) in the third person, period. This is something that I am aware does carry over into offline Gor at least in certain houses and relationships. My Master personally doesn't choose to use this (at least at this point). However I am able to see the merit in at least using it temporarily as a training tool - it certainly forces you to take the time to think before you speak!

-Master/Mistress to all Free
In the online city I went to the slaves addressed all Free as Master or Mistress. This I know is one big difference between BDSM slavery and Gorean slavery and honestly it is something I have struggled with. But if is definitely something that carries into the offline Gorean community and I follow this custom when corresponding with Goreans, or posting on Gorean forums and message boards.

-dress/groom sensuously (i.e. "silks", bells, etc)
Slaves in the online haunt I frequented were always dressed very provacatively - usually in short silken tunics with the hem cut up to here, and the neckline plunging down to there, etc. Many slaves were also adorned in belled anklets, or bracelets, sometimes other jewelry, chains/siriks, etc. In offline life, it can be hard to dress very sexy all the time. I would get called into my manager's office if I showed up at work even in something as relatively mild as a shirt that is too low cut, due to dress codes. But this is something that can be applied in the privacy of one's own home, and I am also trying to make an effort to pay more attention to my appearance when Master & I go out to certain social events.

-formal service of food and drink
Aah the hallmark of online Gor (at least the city I was in) - the serves! Not only did I get pretty good at performing these online serves, I eventually was in charge of training the slaves new to the city in the service protocol. I think that a lot of the formal service protocol is actually quiet lovely, and can be done in offline life, though there a few things that don't carry over. And it certainly doesn't take nearly as long to do a formal serve offline as it does online! I have only done full formal Gorean service of food and drink on a few occasions. I usually feel pretty clumsy (its much easier to type gracefully than move gracefully) but I love the ritual of it and I believe that the Masters I have served have enjoyed it as well.

-karta before entering rooms
This is something I never heard of before online Gor. At the city I visited, before a slave could officially enter a room a Free was already in - i.e. you had clicked into the chat room but you couldn't participate; you werne't "there" - a slave had to assume a position called karta (not directly from the books - although I've heard that it is actually just another name for the third obeisance position) - and beg entry to the room. Once permission was granted the slave would rise up to kneeling in the doorway, thank for the permission, greet all the free, and then they could enter. I have only ever done this in real life once - and that was the first time I visited a Master's home. He had me kneel on the doorstep (he was standing right there and it was pitch black out), move into karta position, and beg entry. I can tell you that it was very psychologically intense (would I be seen? oh my goodness I am actually begging a man to enter his home! etc) and I can see merit in using such a thing on some occasions (some = any that the Free deems).

All right - I think I have succeeded in my goal of making a post so long that it made up for my lack of updates! I do hope that if anyone reads this they will feel very free leave a comment if you'd like to chat about it. I am always looking to find new people to discuss the Gorean lifestyle with.

Serving in Absentia

Yesterday I served my Master by going out..lol. It's true, though. He was not feeling well yesterday and fell asleep right after dinner. I was puttering around doing housework and kept waking him up, and I realized that I could much better serve him by going out and doing something than by staying home and doing chores that can be done at any time. I had planned on skipping the event so I could be home in case I was needed. Well, turns out, sleep was what was needed. He was asleep before I left, asleep the whole time I was gone, and only woke up when I called to say I was on my way back home. I got home and - you guessed it - he went back to sleep. And that time, I joined him.

I've been so spastic lately about trying to stay on top of housework and somehow have it in my head that as a slave I MUST keep the house perfect - at all times - despite the fact that felines (and humans) continually living life will make it stray from perfection. When really whats important is a good environment in the home. If Master needs to sleep, the dishes can probably wait, and I can find something quiet to do so he can get the sleep. I am happy to say that logic won over my cleaning impulse and I ended up having a wonderful time with some friends. Added bonus, Master feels much better today after a good night's sleep.

Stepping things up...

For this weekend, Master has decided to step things up in our dynamic a bit. He has been easing things along very slowly since he collared me, we've had a few hiccups along the way, and something that we read inspired him to choose a weekend that we had relatively little going on and set down some new ground rules and have me serve with slightly stricter protocol. I don't really know what all will happen this weekend. I'm a little nervous, but mostly just curious to see what he has come up with. I love that I don't have to work today, so we got to sleep in a little later, and start the day out right - in each other's arms. The four days I work I feel like I work, eat, and sleep with no time left for anything else, so Fridays are very much a blessing. We have no plans tonight, so I am looking forward to enjoying the time with Master at home relaxing for a unique change of pace. So far the only additional instructions I have received this morning were that Master chose what he wants me to wear for the day when I am out and about. I actually ended up with two outfits - a old tshirt for taking kitty to the vet and a pretty shirt for everything else, lol. It may seem like a small thing but I love it when Master picks out clothes for me to wear. It shows me that he cares what I look like, and I know that if he picks it I am wearing something that he likes to see me wear. A lot of times I have found as a slave it is the seemingly little things like this that really can make or break my state of happiness within the relationship. The small reminders and rituals really help.

Happy Mothers Day

Another cloudy day. A quiet day for Master & I, as it is Mother's Day, and many of our friends either are mothers themselves, or are spending the day with their wifes/mothers - as they should! We actually celebrated last week with my mother, and Master's lives out of state, so we are looking forward to a quiet, laid-back day.

I joined a new BDSM discussion list which I think is a good thing. I really would like to make new friends in the lifestyle, and hopefully find a few more people to come join Sout-Central WI BDSM Friends offline discussion group. I greatly value & treasure the lifestyle friends I have, and we have had great discussions at the meetings so far, but its always nice to get a greater diversity.

I am also hoping that if I plunge myself back into message boards and online reading etc, it will help me to do better at improving myself as a slave, and keeping my slave mindset in place all the time, not just when I am having a "good day". Might also spark some more good talks between Master & I.

Wow... long time no post!

I had no idea it had been two months since my last post! I really need to stay on top of this blog. Suffice to say the last few months have been insane. Master & I moved (yay!), and are finally mostly unpacked. There have been other things, but, this blog isn't really the place I need to drone on about work and etc...

Since the move, Master has reinstated a couple of our former rituals, and has at least one more in the works. These rituals fell by the wayside in the stress of moving and other things and I am so happy that they are back.

The first one that was reinstated is I am again wearing the "pajama collar" as we refer to it. This is the simple black leather collar with a small D-ring, that doesn't lock but simply snaps, that Master purchased for me to wear primarily while sleeping. I am very grateful for his kindness in having purchased a seperate pajama collar. This was bought after I had suffered sleepless nights and neck pain from the locking steel collar - which made me sad, I LOVE that collar, just is really rough on sleeping. So, every night, before it is sleepy time, Master changes me over from daytime collar to pajama collar. :)

The second ritual to be reinstated was binding me to the bed for sleep. This one was reinstated with a twist though. :) A twist that makes me very happy. Before, I was bound to the bed by way of a long rope that was tied to a bedpost, and then tied to a leather ankle cuff that was fastened onto me. Now, Master has it set up with a chain instead of a rope. Still using the leather cuff as attachment point. I don't know if its more comfortable (neither way is uncomfortable, honestly) but its more profound to me somehow. I have this thing in my brain that equates metal bondage (vs rope bondage) as being more "serious" than ropes, which to me seem evocative of "play". Now, I'm neither knocking play, nor saying ropes cannot be "serious" bondage. For me, wearing a steel collar, and being chained to Master's bed, just screams slavery to me, and really helps me to stay in that proper mindset. Plus, its just plain hot, lol.

So, that sums it up on rituals for now. Hmm, what else? Yesterday evening Master treated me to a few wonderful hours of BDSM play. It had been too long. I was actually really nervous, because I wasn't sure what to do, or what was going to happen, due to how "out of practice" i feel. Master assures me that after how enjoyable it was for him, this is something that will be happening with more frequency in the future. I sure hope so!

That's all for now. :) Hope all are well.

No news is good news?

I know I haven't posted here in a while. I have been so stressed out & frazzled between work, preparing for the move, and other things, that my computer time has been cut down significantly. I am really looking forward to life not being so stressful. That's bound to happen someday... right? Right?

The last thing of note that occured for us lifestyle-wise, was last Sunday we attended a meeting for offline Goreans down in Chicago. It was very low key, at a Chinese restaurant, with discussions about oh, let's see... computers, movies, work, the weather, etc, with a small smattering of lifestyle discussion. It was nice to meet some other Goreans offline & prove that yes, there are others, and they aren't all mean. They were nice, normal people, and Master & I both had a good time.

Welcome home, Master

Yesterday's "new thing" was that I greeted Master when he got home from work in nadu with my house collar ready to be put on. He seemed to really enjoy it. :) I already have a few ideas for variations on this theme to keep life interesting.. lol.

Short entry this morning, because I realized I hadn't posted for a couple days. I am really looking forward to the weekend, this week has been insane!

Formal Dinner Serve

Well, I'd have to say the formal serve was a success. It started off with a bit of the sillies from both Master & I (as those who know us can attest... we aren't the most serious of people at many times - makes life more fun :) ). I am conjecturing that he was pleased by my efforts from the fact that he chose to put dinner aside and have dessert first. ;) Now we are eating the food at our desks as he catches up on some computerish stuff and all I gotta say is: life is gooooood!

25 New Things

Last week, a Gorean Master I trade emails with gave me homework (pending my Master's approval - which was given - lol). The assignment was starting the day I received the email, to try one "new thing" every other day in my interactions with Master that I deem to be appropriately slavelike. The point being to encourage me to get off my butt and be a bit more proactive. This also allows me to see how Master reacts to me behaving in different ways. So far it is going pretty well, insofar as I have done it both days that have come up so far. My first day was 2/15, and my first new thing was that I apologized as soon as I got back from the store, for my incredibly non-slavelike attitude I took on prior to going to the store. My second day, 2/17, I came up with a way to help me work on calling Master "Master" more frequently, and made a point that every time I said "I love you" I changed it to "I love you, Master". I did use it in other cases too, but that was one hard and fast way to remind myself to say it. Today is the third day. I haven't decided what new thing to implement yet. I think it might be to try serving dinner in the formal Gorean fashion. Good practice for April's gathering!

Surprising difficulties

Due to the bad weather keeping us in, and illness loosening its grip, Master and I had some very interesting time together. Parts of it were very difficult for me, and I'm not sure I'm comfortable writing about it here, at least not today. My brain is still absorbing it. It was kinda funny. Yesterday's discussion group meeting with Dagda & kitten of South Central BDSM Friends Group in a few ways forced me to on the spot define my views on things I haven't really had to explain to other people before. It also made me face that if I'm going to talk the talk, I've got a lot of work to do on walking the walk. But at the same time, it made me feel a lot less scared about the "walking the walk" part.

Pretty sleepy now since we had a really early morning due to the insane rain drenching our living room... I'm sure I'll post more on this in the future.

Sick slave turns into bad slave

Well, when I woke up this morning, I had the unpleasant realization that I have caught whever this illness is that Master has been fighting off. I have spent the day in a variety of moods. I'm incredibly disappointed that we both had to get so sick for Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day never really mattered to me that much, but I never got to celebrate it properly before my relationship with Master. First our "date" plans shifted from Thursday to Friday because of the snow & illness. Now I guess they are just on hold indefinitely since he is still sleeping.

Be that as it may, I have tried to suck it up and be grateful that I was smart enough to call in to work so that I could rest too. And we did get a little enjoyment during his brief awake time, we got to have lunch together and watch the second part of the movie we had started last night.

When I blew it, was when it was time to grocery shop. Due to the busy weekend we have planned, and the fact we were out of.. most food, grocery shopping had to happen today. I got ready to go and asked him if he wanted to come along for the fresh air. He declined on the grounds that he needed more sleep. Did I react as a good slave and head to the store? No, instead I had to huff and puff and make some smart alec cracks and head off to the store, feeling very much the martyr, because I am sick too, but I am "rising above" to take care of business, why isn't he? etc... etc... etc....

I spent most of the time at the store feeling miserable. Not only physically, from the illness, but with the knowledge that I had been incredibly rude, selfish, un-compassionate and disrespectful. For someone who claims she is a slave, that was totally unacceptable. So.. the something new... Instead of coming home from the store still in a snit about how life isn't fair, I got home, unloaded the groceries, went and knelt next to where he was sleeping and apologized for how I had spoken. Then left him alone to sleep and found quiet things to do. Thankfully my apology was accepted, but I still feel pretty crappy for having done that.

Now I sit here at the computer, catching up a few things, and trying to think of what else to do tonight. I'm not very good at being sick. So far today I have done laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, and general tidying up. I don't know why I can't let myself just relax. I am envious of Master's ability to sleep during the daytime. I laid down for a good while but just couldn't fall asleep. I hope to go to bed early and fall asleep and actually sleep the whole night through. I think I will take some NyQuill. That stuff knocks me flat. Hopefully if I take it early enough, I'll be able to function tomorrow morning.

Rambly post from sick slave is over..... now. :)

To serve by doing...

.... nothing at all.

That is my Valentine's Day. Master is really sick and sleeping, so I am doing what quiet housework I can without waking him up, and reading, and wishing I were more tired so I could curl up with him and sleep.

We actually exchanged Valentine's Day gifts last night. He put together an incredibly thoughtful gift for me and didn't want to wait one more day to give it to me. Master's prerogative - he didn't have to wait. ;) He bought an absolutely beautiful basket (I am a total basketaholic) and filled it up with some treats: Apples, "smooshed fruit", some organic apple/raspberry juice, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, a wonderful smelling lavendar candle. Every single item in the basket - the basket included! - shows how well he knows what I like and how thoughtful he is. It is truly one of the nicest gifts I have gotten in a very long time. I was so grateful by how very generous & thoughtful it was. He said he wanted to give me treats, but make sure they were (mostly) healthy.

I also gave him the gift & card I got for him last night. He seemed to really like it. :) I got him a really simple gift because we *had* agreed to go with simple and inexpensive - heh. I got him a heart shaped container filled with miniature peanut butter cups (my Master is a peanut butter aholic) and a romantic/cute card that had some kitties on it. And it had a magnet inside that now is gracing the fridge. :)

We curled up and watched a movie together last night... after seeing tonight's weather report, we had decided to wait and do our Valentine's "date" on Friday evening (probably go out to dinner or rent a movie or something). Which turns out well because the "Not feeling quite so well" that Master had been struggling with for several days came out in full force today. Fortunately his boss was amenable to letting him out early, and he has been getting sleep for a good many hours now. I hope that he feels better. We had a very full weekend planned and he is concerned about not being up for some of it.

Ah well... rambly enough post. I guess this one doesn't have any real deep insights or anything, just a slave trying to keep herself busy so that she doesn't do anything that inadvertently wakes up a sick and tired Master.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of my readers!

Naked

Hello all! This is a topic that may seem kinda weird, but it has been bouncing around in my head today. I have been trying to figure out why I have such problems being naked. (I am talking physically without clothes, not emotional/mental nakedness - that is a whole other can of post, lol) It takes me a long time to feel truly comfortable being naked around a lover/Dominant/Master/etc. I'm really not sure why. I mean, by the time we are all adults, especially adults my age (mid 20's) and Master's age (mid 30's) we have all seen plenty of naked men and naked women be it from text books, movies, pictures, or romantic encounters. In other words - it's not like no one has ever seen a naked woman before - so why I am so uptight when it is me?

Is it because I'm overweight? This is usually why I feel embarrassed, at least this is the loudest voice in my head emotionally on the issue. Then when my logic kicks in and remind me... ya know... fully clothed head to toe in a shapepless parka and jeans, someone looking at you can still see that you are overweight. it isn't like wearing clothes hides the weight. In fact in many cases - it emphasizes it! So, I don't think it is because of that. Someone seeing me in a bathing suit, or tight dress, can tell my body shape just as well as if I'm naked. So, clothes don't hide the truth there.

Is it because of my ugly scar that hovers just below my left collar bone? Nope - you can see that scar if I wear a tank top, low cut shirt, or bathing suit. And to be fair, beyond the first few months I had it, I have never really cared about my scar. I don't even think about it most of the time, and when I do, it's more of a - Aah - battle scars from my personal battle against the enemy (cancer).

So really, the only reason I can think of for why I freak out so much about being naked is simply because it has been impressed upon me my entire life that it is "bad" to be seen naked, especially certain parts. A good girl always makes sure she is covered up and "presentable". Then from middle school on in turned into - omigod, I look horrible, I am so fat, etc. Though by now I'm pretty used to my body shape. Not that I don't strive to improve, but I recognize I am still pretty even though I am overweight - and in this country, I am far from in the minority being overweight. Many are far larger than I.

Anyway... that's all for today's ramble. Anyone who has thoughts, I'd love to read them. :)

"Trappings"

This link is to an article I read in the archives of the online e-zine "The Gorean Voice" yesterday. I thought it was pretty interesting. Enjoy!

http://www.pantheus.com/TGV/archive32001/TGV/slave.shtml

Quiet...

This blog has me constantly struggling with what is appropriate or inappropriate to post. I'm pretty sure that none of the thoughts in my head right now are appropriate blog material yet I want to keep this blog going with fairly frequent updates. How does a blogger draw the line? I've read some pretty personal blogs out there. And some that are merely filled with humorous anecdotes. I'd like my blog to be a true window into at least this part of my life, so that maybe some one will stumble upon it and find something that can help. We'll see how it turns out.

What I want?

I have been thinking about my progress as a slave a lot lately. I feel that it is perhaps misplaced for me to try and judge myself, since I do agree the only true judge of how "good" of a slave I have become is my Master, as it is he who sets the parameters for what is a "good" slave for him. However, I am the one who hears the thoughts ringing on my head, and I thought this would be a good blog post, in case any of you readers can offer insight.

I worry a LOT about what I want, and what I think I need. I am very torn on this. I know that we are bred & raised with strong self preservation instincts. And let's face it, who doesn't want to try and obtain their "wants"? However I read over and over in my research, that a good slave does not concern herself with her wants. She concerns herself with her Master's wants. The tacit understanding is that if she chooses wisely when giving herself to an Owner, that the Owner will maintain his property by looking out for her needs, and those wants of hers that he feels moved to fulfill. One part of my brain screams out that Owned or not, I am human. I have a "right" to have my wants fulfilled. Of course I want to see to my own needs and desires! Everyone has a right to be happy! etc... etc... And to a degree I do agree with that as well. I don't think anyone would expect me to stay in a relationship where I wasn't happy out of some misplaced sense of "slave honor".

However I worry that I am too selfish and too focused on what I want. I know that Master orders a lot of his life around me and my wants in regards to his time/schedule, etc. And while I of course appreciate that, I think it is supposed to be the other way around it. Do I want it to change? No, not necessarily. But I don't know if I should be calling myself a slave if I am so focused on me. I know that slave = owned submissive, so I fit the criteria, but still... meh.

Master just got home, so off I go for dinner.

shopping, part 2!

As mentioned in my prior post, on Saturday we went shopping again. We were quite successful! We got two books, a wonderful elk leather flogger, and Master bought a simple leather collar for me to sleep in. With the returned ritual of sleeping in a collar, we had rediscovered how painful that got on my neck after a few nights. I love the new collar. I love being able to wear one to sleep. It's an extra snuggle!

We have had a wonderful weekend and I wish we had a few more days to go!

Shopping...

So, last night Master & I went to First Friday, a local Madison BDSM social event, with a couple of our friends. We had a pretty good time there, and when we left, we decided to stop off at a couple places in search of some new stuff. We ended up purchasing a lovely set of black leather cuffs with a fuzzy "faux fur" purple inner lining. And I got something pretty to wear around the house when its just the two of us. There was one thing we were looking for that we were unable to find, so if time permits we'll be dropping by a different shop in Madison today to see what we can find.

Returned ritual...

I had a frustrating afternoon yesterday to say the least. I wanted nothing more for the evening than to snuggle up with Master and, if he was willing, a good flogging. Well, he was willing, but our bodies weren't, because we both started dozing off on the couch shortly after dinner. So we got up, went to bed, and to my delight last night was the return of two of our prior bed time rituals. That helped me to feel more grounded even though I didn't get the "play" I was hoping for. One ritual was the rope/cuff that attaches my ankle to the bedpost. It's got a long enough length I can make it to the bathroom without having to wake Master up to get un-attached. The other was the return of my locking collar for sleep time. Generally in the past Master would put this collar on me as soon as we were done going out and about, but on days when that just didn't happen due to being busy, it used to always go on at bed time if nothing else. My heart is gladdened by the return of these two rituals. I know that D/s is not about all the "trappings" and "window dressings" but good tangible things like these really help me to center myself on who I am and my place in our relationship.

(Edited to fix typos! Wow you can tell I wrote this early in the morning!)

Not sure what to write...

I'm having trouble with this blog. I really want to write frank posts about my day to day life with my Master, but I'm finding myself really hesitant to put things out there. Maybe its because people I know can read this blog. In the past, when I had a blog about this side of me, the only ones who read it were people I knew over the internet, so that made it less scary. Although I suspect this is only an excuse. I think the deeper reason I've been hesitant to post is because if I put things in words, it takes thoughts. It means I'll have to actually examine myself and my relationship in detail. And I'm afraid that I'll find myself lacking... I'm by no means the perfect slave, or even a good slave much of the time, at least in my opinion. I know it's Master's opinion that "matters" more - it is his call on if I'm "good enough" to be his slave - but it still is hard when I'm so riddled with self-doubt.

I'm sure I'm far from the only one who feels this way. I think feelings like this can be valuable if they aren't too self-consuming because they can make a slave try even harder to be good and pleasing in her Owner's sight.

I'm looking forward to when he gets home so I can try again tonight!

First post...

I am trying to navigate the blogger and so far, I am liking how user friendly this website is!

Not much to post about at the moment, I just wanted to test out the posting functions.